Beyond

As I’ve mentioned, I’m Jewish, emphasis on the “ish”. I’ve tried to make myself a full believer but, if I am to believe that the Bible is true, I have to believe everything in it and there are many things I cannot wrap my head around. I fully respect religion, and am almost envious when people have a religion they can have full faith in, but my mind doesn’t seem to work that way.

That being said I’m not a non believer. I feel like there are things that cannot be explained and energy is never lost when someone leaves our lives. Do I believe in one particular set of rules? No. Do I go with my gut and believe what feels right? Well, don’t we all?

I was listening to a podcast called Beyond. This particular episode was about the host who began delving into the past lives of himself, his partner, and his mother. The way he described his experience made sense to him–he felt like he was a more doting son because in his past life he was an absent mother. It made me think of my own life. Could I be a reincarnation of my paternal Grandpa who married a doctor so I wouldn’t die of cancer? Is my daughter a reincarnation of my maternal Grandma who was a feisty lady ahead of her time?

Which brings me to a story. It always does.

My family has vivid dreams. They are crazy dreams and we often wake up and tell each other about them. I thought all families did that until I started telling Jared about my dreams and his family doesn’t do that…

In late February 2007 I had the most interesting dream to date. At the time we were living in Philadelphia. In my dream we were heading to a party at a friends house in New Jersey and I got a phone call from a 917 area code.

“Who is this?” I thought. “Everyone with a 917 area code that I know’s number is in my phone.”

I picked up the phone and my Grandma’s voice was on the other end. My grandmother had passed in 2006. She did have a 917 area code on her cell phone but I had deleted it since I knew she wouldn’t be calling.

“Grandma? Where are you?” I asked.

“I’m in Guatemala with your Grandpa. I don’t know how he lasted all these years without me!” she replied. Sounds random but, if I have my information correct, they were vacationing in Guatemala when my grandfather started losing his memory.

I wondered if I should tell her I was pregnant. I didn’t know if I was but we were trying and this might be my only time to speak to her and I didn’t want to tell her something untrue. (Turns out I was pregnant!)

I asked her about death. This was one of the things I obsessed about before I began addressing my OCD and anxiety. My grandma told me it was a very strange experience but nothing to be afraid of and it put my mind at ease.

In the odd ways of dreams my sister showed up. She got on the phone with our Grandma and asked why she didn’t call her. Her response was, “You didn’t put forth enough effort.” 

I then gave Grandma a hug and she told me I could call her when I wanted. I was so affected by that dream.

I had spent that night at my cousin, Jessica’s house. On my way home I called my Mom to tell her about the dream. I decided to leave the part out about my sister, Allison, because it was clearly something in my unconscious that thought she could have been there more. I didn’t think that was the case since she came to visit a lot but it just didn’t seem right to mention it.

I explained the dream to my Mom and she said, “That’s so funny, Allison had a dream that Grandma called her the other night! You should ask her about it!”

I called Allison and her dream went like this:

“Grandma called me and when I heard her voice I immediately hung up the phone because I knew she was dead.”
Didn’t put forth enough effort.

This could be one big coincidence. This could be my Grandma visiting us and only one of us being receptive at the time. This could have been the moment my daughter became a person with the visit of my Grandma. This could be so many things and it could be nothing but a coincidence. None of us will ever know for sure.

What I do know that the dream was a comfort. It was a connection between me, my sister, and my Grandma and possibly my daughter. Whatever it is or is not it’s still mine and I’ll do with it as I please.